How to save money by pissing people off
Remember our chugger thread? We tried to find ways to avoid charity muggers, beggars and the like in the most funny/bizarre way possible, and some pretty impressive ideas came up. But today, I realized that we approached the problem from the wrong side.
See, in a perfect world, we’d say something witty, friendly or funny to those folks, and they’d smile and move on. Everything would be nice, rainbows would fly out of the suns’ ass, and nobody would be annoyed.
We do not live in said world.
I was sprinting from the train platform down to the subway station at Philadelphiabrücke when an old hag stepped into my way, pointed her open hands towards me and mumbled something about spare change. Normally, I would not have heard her, thanks to the wonder that is my iPod, but it died last night. All of a sudden, without any warning signs or anything, it shed its’ mortal coil and left me alone in this world full of unpleasant sounds. Everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that without loud music in my ears, I tend to become edgy in public transport. To be honest, I’m only two steps away from going on a bloody rampage that would leave 17 people dead, and an additional 12 too disfigured to live on without live support.
Obviously, the old lady did not know all this when she stepped in my way.
So with a voice that bordered on Joseph Goebbels, and a volume level that would make any metal band bow their heads in shame, I told the nice woman to PISS OFF. And guess what? It worked. She jumped back a bit, turned away from me and started annoying the next guy.
After this event, I was a bit shocked. I normally don’t behave like this towards strangers. So, naturally, being the nice leftist guy that I am, I waited for the guilt to kick in. But to this moment, it never arrived. Quite the opposite thing happened - I feel great. Never better.
So the next time someone tries to take your hard-earned cash from you with some less-than-smooth talking, I urge you to hit them verbally as hard as you can without actually insulting them. Because, as you all know, that would be illegal.
Speaking of illegal, shell games have been banned in Vienna since yesterday. And lo and behold, walking down Mariahilfer Straße today, I haven’t seen a single one. I wonder if this shows how effective a constitutional state can be? Nah, it’s probably because of the shitty weather.
No more dodgy games on Mariahilferstrasse? Hurrah!
They certainly sort things out here.
A friend once screamed “NO!” (think: really really loud) towards a chugger while she was still 5 meters away just looking at and coming towards us. She instantly stopped and looked damn confused while we were laughing our asses off with about the same volume as my friend’s active defense.
…for the sake of society, always own a backup iPod.
i am not sure how to comment, and i am not sure who to be the tip of which iceberg - but i sit in front of your little article with a lack of understanding.
consider the following - it might read a little crazy at first, but it is a very powerful tool when executed with absolute precision:
have you ever noticed that you can change people’s feelings and their behaviour by simply looking at them (or doing so and then, all of a sudden, avoid looking at them any longer)?
for example, when you look somebody deep in the eye and breathe at the same rate, you will notice that both of you will instantly start to relax and feel good - for no reason at all. but certainly you would want to avoid this situation with strangers in public transport, for this seldom is the environment you want to make new friends.
i recommend to exercise a more psychopathic look (think in terms of the movie “psycho”) and combine it with some very sharp breathing. remember - it is absolutely unnecessary to speak a single word!
most people recognize this as being dangerous and back off automagically - the rest is doomed to deal with your verbal eruptions.
i admit: it needs to be practiced for a rather long time, but it really pays off, especially, when you’d rather save the energy for doing things that are fun than dealing with annoying people out on the streets.
phil you are my jesus
streetbuggers hmm interesting theme. when i have some time and the mood isnt too bad i say - I AM NOT 18 YET ! greenpeace people will laugh and/or say “for sure…” but leave you alone.
when the mood isn`t too good i just form my mouth sending a kiss or a blowbjob out, quite obscene but 100% save :)
While some people deserve a good yelling, others deserve some sympathy. It depends on whether you’re dealing with a two-faced hag, or a humbled, homeless beggar, doesn’t it.
Ben: I’m currently using my PSP for musical support, so until my iPod comes back from the shop, society should be safe.
Luc: And I have no idea what to make of your comment.
Mr. Soandso: I almost forgot this technique, thank you. As an addon, gripping your hands to fists and opening them in fast repeat seems to work well, too.
Sam: Thank you, my son.
Sepix: That really works? Wow, impressive. I promise to try it one of these days.
Alejandro: Yes, of course you are right - normally, I’d support beggars, and give them both sympathy and cash. So this method I describe here should only be applied to chuggers.
one of the best articles here. wouldnt say that this should be common practice, but even the biggest donator shall have his peace sometimes.
why doesnt Luc understand?
i know beggars can get annoying, but guess, there are other ways to “save money(!)” than being the typical urban asshole you all just represent here, even if most of the part could be ironic, i hope.
and reading things like “they certainly sort things out here”, u know…
also reading
“So with a voice that bordered on Joseph Goebbels, and a volume level that would make any metal band bow their heads in shame, I told the nice woman to PISS OFF. And guess what? It worked”
sounds very very very stupid. sorry. good evening.
you guys from Metroblogs know Philip IRL?
my guess is that the article is apparantly sarcastic, with a grain of thruth (the annoyance of being scrounged 5 times a day) - but the sarcasm in the text lost its obviousness somewhere. ~
mart, most people here know phil well enough to know he’s able to speak for himself and set the record straight in case he’s misunderstood.
for me the least understandable aspect is that after all that discussion this still is an issue at all for so many people. i’m seriously considering giving a seminar on how to ignore people you positively don’t want to have anything to do with. seeing that quite a large percentage of people aren’t doing this properly makes me feel like a guru.
i also never had a single problem by just ignoring pushy beggars.
my point is just, that sarcasm ends to me, if a text goes into a direction of saying “i am going to shoot that gipsy bum in the middle of his fucking face the next time” so i was surprised how many of you were clapping hands and even call for a jesus like this, sounds very disaffected.
Wow, shouting at an old lady! how heroic you are.
1. charity muggers (great expression!)
I try to stay calm with them and be truthful. If they ask if I have time for $GoodCause or similar BS I say: “Yes, but I won’t talk to YOU about that.”
If they won’t stop, staying calm is getting more difficult, but then rudeness would be okay.
2. Beggars
I know that some of the beggars are just fake, I really would like to know how many of them (and which). That would make a nice piece of investigative journalism.
Being rude to the fake beggars would be very appropriate!
rule of thumb: whoever can’t find the sarcasm inside an article where I compare a part of me to Joseph Goebbles needs a new prescription for thicker glasses.
I’m pretty amazed how must shit has been stirred up by this. For Dobbs sake, I didn’t arm a militia and ordered them to shoot every beggar and chugger in eastern Austria. Yes, chuggers need the money, otherwise they wouldn’t do the shitty job they do, and beggars aren’t exactly disciples of lady luck either. They deserve our sympathy, and to some extend, or support. But some of them just don’t know when to stop, and as a group, they really get on my nerves sometimes. That’s it. No death threats, no “kill them all, let god sort them out”, just the simple realization that if they don’t listen to reason, they listen to volume.