I eat little hamsters and i do not support the human race
Have you ever managed to go to the milleniumscity without getting into a verbal fight with Greenpeace people and those kind of annoying human beings? If yes, please please tell me how you do it!
Let me describe you how it usually goes for me:
1st base:
Greenpeace.
They like to stand at the entry/exit of the subway/trainstation. RIGHT THERE.
I tried ignoring them. I tried yelling, i tried being a totally brainfucked crazy maniac, i tried to cry, nothing worked, NOTHING. All of them (Greenpeace, Amnesty International, groups i dont even recall the name of) have at least 3 people there. They see you, they see you - the poor victim, the scared bunny, the little kitty kat - and they will be right and left to you, and one of them right in front of you. A grinning girl will jump to you like a lion on acid and will hold your arm if you decide to do the only thing possible: RUN.
“Hi! You look like someone who cares about the poor animals!” Errr, yes, whatever. I am not sure if this is actually an insult, now that i think about it. I waved with both arms and screamed “I EAT HAMSTERS FOR BREAKFAST AND THEN I COOK DOGS FOR LUNCH AND HAVE SEX WITH RATS!” Boy, did the girl stare at me. That was my chance, go go go go go! I didnt care too much about her screaming “you are the worst girl ever! i hate you, i hope you die! OMG!”
2nd base:
Amnesty International.
Did you know they have those black t-shirts? i can see them. They saw that i escaped Greenpeace and quickly started to organize a barricade. “Hello you! Did you know that every minute people die?” That information is pointless. Just as pointless as if i would tell you guys what kind of socks i am wearing right now, seriously..
The “I dont have time, sorry” sentence is getting ignored. No matter if youre running. You gotta stop or you crash into some Amnesty Internatiol dude. I do not want to run into that dude. They got me.
“We need you to support us!” Well, what could i say? “I DO NOT SUPPORT THE HUMAN RACE! AND NOW LET ME LEAVE, YOU FILTHY HUMAN BEING YOU!” Le Gasp. Le Stare. Le chance numero duo. I manage not to run against a group of people that tried to use the situation and run past the Amnesty people. Evil screaming behind me.
3rd base:
As soon as you think youre safe and through, as soon as you breath out happily someone will suddenly appear in front of you, you nearly fall over, and will show you a map of the most horrible things you have ever seen. You know those pictures of ferrets dead in their cages, dont you? Well. Thats exactly what i was seeing. “You need to help the animals!” I think those guys were from the “4 Pfoten” organization. I can only assume it, because after i tried to push that person away - without any luck, i started to run. I see the holy entry of the shopping centre. I can see it, i am almost there…
I am through.
The first thing i do after being in the shopping centre is to catch my breath.
After that i continue being a more or less normal human being.
BUT, you need to go the same way back to the trainstation.
I found out that the way back is easier though.
I raise both arms, scream and run without stopping. Thats only possible if you dont have any bags you gotta carry. If thats the case though, its always good to talk to yourself. Loudly. Use words like: Satan, Bitch, Bunny love, and words that dont exist. Repeat it until youre out of the danger zone.
You dont want to know what i do when i am on the Mariahilfer Strasse.
DISCLAIMER aka “Before I get angry emails again“:
I do support Amnesty. Since more than 1 year. But i dislike it when people force me to talk to them, without realising that i might not be interested, that I might be in a goddamn hurry. I might support what the organisation is supporting, but i do not support annoying and scary people following me - touching me - forcing me to listen to mindless babble which usually ends with their question: “So whats your bank account number?”
I noticed that they prefer to hunt singles over couples or groups.
Try asking someone on the subway if they accompany you to the city.
Daniela, do what I do. Just tell them you’re already a member. They’ll stop in their tracks with a confused look and shake your hand. It works every time.
They have to get a certain amount of people to join every day, say ten, before they go home. Hence the enthusiasm to stand in your way waving their arms and being ur-friendly.
chuggers = charity mugger
arved: i tried that out once. only works if i am part of a group. usually i am there alone or with 1 or 2 friends. thats not enough to scare them
Alejandro: i AM a member, and i tell them that i am one each time they see me. they dont believe me. i need one of the amnesty shirts and a greenpeace hat. maybe that would work.
Origami: thats the best word i heard in a while. thank you!
the “sorry I don’t speak german” or even better “non parlo tedesco” usually works immediatly. They realize you’re “probably” a tourist and move fast to the next victim.
Ha ha ha! A (green?)peaceful solution for millennium city visits: take the stairs from the train to the Danube promanade. Just positives - short walk with some fresh air, good view, no Greenpeace/AI/whatever.
i never have any trouble whatsoever with these people. and it’s very easy to pull off: be rather tall and grow a menacing looking beard.
i’d like to give you serious advice as well, but i’m afraid i don’t have enough input data about that whole situation. on one hand, i’m thinking if you recall what they said and what colour their shirts are etc., you aren’t ignoring them properly. for me, just walking past them and not paying any attention to them works fine every time. mostly i’m a little more polite, as i usually am on my way to do something specific (if i’m just going for a walk i don’t do it in the citys centre during the day) and i’m alte already, so i’m walking rather fast and tell them “sorry i don’t have time now.” on the other hand, maybe you are really cursed and have something about you that makes them think they can have your money. in that case, you’d of course have no chance to ignore them properly and it wouldn’t be your fault at all.
if someone really was grabbing my arm so forcefully that i couldn’t even run away, maybe i’d punch them hard in the face with my other hand. i don’t know, i never was in that situation (and never hit anyone).
oh, and you know what would be fun? write a letter to ai that you’re cancelling your membership. state as a reason that some fucking morons working for them kept violating your human rights. (and called you a liar on top of that.)
by the way, i would’ve bet that you’re cooking rats for lunch and having sex with dogs.
oh, and chris, your suggestion is brilliant. unlike some others here, it doesn’t involve lying. (although that might well be justified if you’re telling them “i won’t become a member, no matter what you tell me, really, i promise”, and they don’t relent.)
Chris, thats a great idea, thank you!
Umberto, i tried the “i dont speak your language, dude” thing. didnt help me.
Nex, i already considered canceling my membership. not only because of the hippies, but its a question of money as well. i bet they will call me a couple of times and ask why i stopped giving them money which has to mean that i dont care about the people anymore.
I live close to mariahilferstrasse and those people really are a nightmare. But I finally found out that a harsh “nein danke” combined with a kind of fanatic smile on my face is enough to shy them away. It works.
I don
daniela, my advice ::
keep a pair of headphones on. works for me every time. they look at you for a second, wondering whether it’ll be worth the effort to approach you or not and then they move on to the next person.
My method is to approach them with a smile as soon as they lock in to me, then 2 seconds before they are close enough to talk, break out to the side and run past them. Works every time.
the millenium city exit is a tough one. ive finally settled with wearing dark glasses, sticking the mobile to my ear and walking real fast. i havnt been stopped since.
at mariahilferstr where the virgin store used to be i just cross road and cross back at next traffic light which is a few metres away.
at kagran bus n tram station, i do what Philipp has suggested which happened once accidentally and since then i do deliberately. lock eyes and when you are real close break out to the side.
petra: you’re doing it exactly right, congratulations. just walking by without being bothered at all — makes all those little tactics and gambits suggested here look ridiculously pathetic, yo!
however, i’m sure daniela already tried that, and it didn’t work, even though she didn’t do anything wrong. she’s just a freak magnet. hey, beats getting bored senseless.
compared to EVERY method stated here my methods are pathetic. i feel so little and silly now..
ill print the commets and will read them everytime i have to pass a barricade of chuggers. ha, i used that word!
i am no freak magnet!
i dont like freaks but the freaks like me. or something. *le pout*
yes, they like you, and they are attracted by you, which makes you — apart from the fact that you yourself aren’t freaky at all (tee hee) — a freak magnet, n’est ce pas?
your methods aren’t pathetic, they’re great, great reading material. 16 comments in 2 days, look at that ;->
Do what I do:
“Sorry, I don’t speak German”.
(then they switch to English)
“Entschuldigung, ich spreche kein Deutsch.”
(then they smile and give up)
“kein Englisch”. Oops!